The list below, distilled from several marriage preparation programs, pinpoints 10 areas that need to be discussed by couples planning to spend their future together. Exploring these questions before marriage helps reduce the problems that can arise afterwards.

1. Marriage—who, what, and why?
It’s hard to get engaged without talking about marriage. But the discussion shouldn’t end with “Will you marry me?”

Couples should also ask themselves and each other why they want to get married. There’s probably no one right answer to this question, but there are a lot of wrong ones: to escape a bad situation at home, for example, or for financial security or because no one else is likely to ask. Even pregnancy—“having to get married”—is no longer considered sufficient reason for marriage in the Church, especially if the couple is very young or their relationship isn’t strong.

Attitudes towards marriage are important, too, especially in light of society’s confused notions about what a marriage should be. Is it a permanent commitment, or something that can be easily gotten out of if things “just don’t work out” or if one of the partners “just doesn’t want to be married anymore”? Is it a partnership, a dictatorship? Does one partner expect to be taken care of by the other?

And what about fidelity? Granted, temptations do arise, and no one can fully predict how he or she will react. But wanting to resist is half the battle.

2. What kind of people are you?
How do the individuals see themselves? Each other? Sometimes couples avoid talking about this because it’s painful to discover, for example, that your potential mate thinks you’re obnoxious at parties and monopolize the conversation when you’ve always thought your exuberance made you fun to be with.

But talking frankly about their perceptions of themselves and each other has actually brought many couples closer together. It’s a joy to discover that someone thinks you’re exceptionally patient, generous and a good listener—qualities you may not have recognized in yourself. It’s also nice to know that someone loves you even if he does think you’re obnoxious at parties.

What does one partner like/dislike about the other? Those who say they don’t dislike anything don’t know each other very well or aren’t seeing each other as they really are—or they aren’t telling the truth. In a dating situation it may be possible for her to keep to herself her opinion that he has terrible taste in clothes, and for him to hide his irritation at her constant lateness. Once the couple is seeing each other on a 24-hour-a-day basis, however, those negative feelings are bound to surface.

What does the couple want out of life? Sometimes people with two radically different visions of the future can make a life together. But, realistically, the chances are pretty slim.

3. Who’s going to do the dishes?
Forty years ago, being a wife meant cooking, cleaning, taking care of the house and children. Being a husband meant being the breadwinner, disciplinarian and decision-maker. Today, however, that’s not so often the case. Husbands and wives are reexamining and redefining their roles.

Some couples, for example, take turns with cooking and cleaning chores. Whoever cooks doesn’t have to clean up the kitchen afterward; she irons his shirts in return for a weekly car wash; tasks like bed-making and laundry are done in turns. Some wives work while their husbands remain at home, like the successful pediatrician whose husband is a gourmet cook. Some couples even draw up contracts that specify who is responsible for which chore.

Really, who does what is irrelevant as long as both partners are satisfied. So it’s a good idea for engaged couples to discuss such issues as whether they will both hold outside jobs and how household tasks will be divided.

4. What is your relationship to your families?
Our families have a lot to do with our own expectations for marriage and family life. If her parents supplied all of her tuition and spending money through college, for example, she may find his refusal to do the same for their children disturbing. If his father never kissed his mother or showed affection for her in front of him, he may be uncomfortable with his wife’s demands for affection.

Some couples have had the opportunity to observe each other’s families at close range. She knows that his father is a strict disciplinarian, that his mother is gentle and understanding, and that they encouraged their children to excel in sports. He knows that her family placed great emphasis on doing well in school and choosing a career, that dialogue was used more than punishment in handling infractions, and that the family took interesting and often expensive vacations every year.

Sharing these things can bring partners closer together and give them insight into one another’s behavior. It can also help them pinpoint things they liked about their family life, and what they’d like to change in their own family.

It’s also a good idea for engaged couples to draw up some ground rules to follow with their families after the wedding. They should decide whether family members will be free to drop in at any time or are to wait for an invitation, and specify times at which they do not wish to be disturbed. An equitable arrangement for visiting and spending holidays with each family should also be determined.

5. How well will you communicate?
The open and honest communication and sharing of feelings that are so essential to building an intimate relationship can be difficult for engaged couples.

Because it carries the possibility of rejection, revealing one’s inmost self to another person is scary. But consider the alternative: a lifetime of conversations that go no further than “How was your day?” or “What are we having for dinner?” that two people can spend their entire lives together and never really know each other is much more frightening. Knowing—and being known—intimately is worth the risk involved.

So engaged couples should take a careful look at the quality of their communication. Do they enjoy talking with one another? Can they share thoughts and feelings honestly without fear of ridicule or rejection? Does one partner try to manipulate the other through threats, tears, or pouting? Do they know how to handle conflict and express anger in constructive ways?

6. How dependent or independent should you be?
Some couples take the phrase, “And the two become one,” literally. They go everywhere and do everything together. They remain glued to each other’s sides at parties. Friends and hobbies they enjoyed separately before they were married are abandoned in favor of activities they can pursue as a couple. And the very idea that one might enjoy an evening away from the other’s company is met with jealousy and hurt feelings: “You’d rather see a movie with Carol/go bowling with Richard than be with me!”

Other couples, on the other hand, act like married singles. Their paths cross occasionally at meals and bedtime and they sometimes go several days without ever seeing each other. They share a name and a house, but not their lives.

Somewhere between these two extremes is a happy medium—an arrangement which gives the couple plenty of quality time together, yet allows for freedom to pursue individual interests. But that point is different for every couple. Engaged couples need to be honest with each other about how much time they’d like to spend together and about things they’d like to do—alone—after they are married.

7. How should money be handled?
“Before we were married,” a friend confessed recently, “Bob and I were sure we’d have no trouble living on the money we make. It seemed like so much at the time—we didn’t even bother to draw up a budget.” But, she admits, “I guess we weren’t very realistic about how much things cost. Now we’re in debt, our rent is going up, and I don’t know where we’ll come up with the money.”

How much money does it take to live? A lot of couples don’t have any idea. Many have lived at home all or most of their lives and have little experience with rent, insurance, grocery, utility or doctor bills. And sometimes even those who have supported themselves for several years have trouble adjusting their spending habits to cover two people’s expenses.

The best way for an engaged couple to get an accurate picture of their financial status is to draw up a budget. Before they can do that, though, they have to find out, in realistic figures, what they can expect to pay for housing, food, clothing, utilities, insurance, medical care and so on. Then they can determine whether they’ll have enough money to cover their expenses, and discuss whether adjustments—one of them finding a better-paying job, for instance—will have to be made.

Money—especially how it should be spent—is the source of a great many marital conflicts.

8. What about the sexual expression of love?
Bob, who has been married for eight years, smilingly recalls his anticipation of his wedding night. “I was sure I was going to make love to Judy 11 or 12 times,” he says. “I had it all planned. After each time I was going to put a mark on the wall above the bed—a real testimonial to my virility.”

But the next morning, he admits, there wasn’t a single mark on the wall. “We were so exhausted after the wedding and reception, sleep was the only thing on our minds,” Bob recalls. “But I ended up being glad we waited. There was much less tension when we were both rested and relaxed.”

Bob and Judy’s experience isn’t unusual. Many couples discover their wedding night is not romantic and passionate, but simply the tiredest night of their lives—not exactly the optimum atmosphere for beginning a sexual relationship. To avoid feelings of failure and disappointment, engaged couples should be prepared for the possibility that nothing will happen—and remember to keep a sense of humor about whatever occurs.

But the wedding night is only the beginning of a lifelong sexual relationship, and engaged couples should share honestly with each other what they would like that relationship to be.

9. What about children?
How many children does the couple want to have? If she wants two and he wants 10, can they reach some sort of compromise? How will one partner feel if the other, for serious emotional or physical reasons, decides he or she would rather not have children at all? Would the couple consider adoption if they are unable to have children?

When would the couple like to start their family? If, for financial or other reasons, they’d like to postpone parenthood, what method of family planning will they use? Both partners must be comfortable with it. And since natural family planning methods require some preparation, it’s important to discuss this well in advance of the wedding. How will the couple feel in the event of an unplanned pregnancy?

10. How will you deal with spiritual aspects of marriage?
For Catholics, marriage is a sacrament and part of their life of faith. So engaged couples planning weddings in the Church should examine their reasons for doing so. How important is their faith to them? Do they intend to maintain active participation in the Church after the wedding? Or are they just walking down the aisle instead of standing before a judge in a courthouse just to please Mom and Dad?

Has the couple ever discussed religion, their image of God, their beliefs and their doubts, their feelings about prayer? What part does religion play in their lives?

Couples of different denominations need to decide the best way they can practice their individual faiths and still share a faith-life together. And what about children? The Catholic party to the marriage promises to do what he or she can to assure the children are brought up Catholic. Is this agreeable to the non-Catholic party? How can children be taught respect and appreciation for both parents’ faiths?

A couple who has carefully discussed all these issues is probably well-prepared for marriage. Yet no list of questions is exhaustive. There will always be surprises in the ever-changing relationship called marriage. Couples need flexibility, willingness to grow and a sense of humor. These qualities, and an abundance of love, are the best preparation for marriage a couple can have.

Janet Duccilli Daniel is a former assistant editor of St. Anthony Messenger.

Source: Catholic Update, Revised Edition 2007
St. Anthony Messenger Press